Excerpt: The Pursuit of God, The Human Thirst for the Divine, A.W. Tozer

O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, The Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wondered so long. In Jesus' name. Amen
Excerpt: The Pursuit of God, The Human Thirst for the Divine, A.W. Tozer

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Peace and Fruit

I spent the night with another widow in our church last night.  She does not have an internet connection, so I am going to post yesterday's and today's post here:

August 30, 2017
John 14:26
Just like the Holy Spirit brings things to our remembrance about the Lord, He brings sweet remembrances to mind about you, my love!

John 14:27 spoke to me today.  "Peace I leave with you, MY peace I give unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid!"

Thank You, dear Savior, for giving me Your peace that passes all understanding!  I don't have to fear or be troubled because You took Tim from me so soon!  You are still right here with me!  You have given me YOUR peace!  What more do I need?!

Thank You!  Thank You, Lord Jesus!

August 31, 2017
John 15:16 "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that ye shall go and bring forth fruit, and that your fruit should remain:"

Lots of people have contacted me about the blessing you brought to their lives during your struggle through the cancer.  God chose and ordained you for the task and you brought forth much fruit!

Wonderful Peace

Far away in the depths of my spirit tonight
Rolls a melody sweeter than psalm;
In celestial-like strains it unceasingly falls
O’er my soul like an infinite calm.

Peace, peace, wonderful peace,
Coming down from the Father above!
Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray
In fathomless billows of love!

What a treasure I have in this wonderful peace,
Buried deep in the heart of my soul,
So secure that no power can mine it away,
While the years of eternity roll!

I am resting tonight in this wonderful peace,
Resting sweetly in Jesus’ control;
For I’m kept from all danger by night and by day,
And His glory is flooding my soul!

And I think when I rise to that city of peace,
Where the Author of peace I shall see,
That one strain of the song which the ransomed will sing
In that heavenly kingdom will be:

Ah soul, are you here without comfort and rest,
Marching down the rough pathway of time?
Make Jesus your friend ere the shadows grow dark;
Oh, accept this sweet peace so sublime!

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

The Comforter

Ah, my Sweet! What glorious truths I have been blessed by from John 14 today!
v.2 "many mansions" - you have yours and mine is waiting to be occupied! Is mine next door to yours? I pray so!
 .3 "and receive you unto myself" - you have been received! You are with the Savior! How exciting! One day I will be there, too, and we can praise Him together forever! How I long for that day!
v.4 "ye know the way" - THE Way, THE only Way! You preached and taught Him almost 40 years! And now you have seen Him face to face! I'm so thankful I know THE Way and will see Him face to face, too!
v.18 "I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you." This promise I claim today! Right now! Jesus left us bodily, but He came back to us... to me... spiritually! He is my comfort, even more so now that you are gone, my Sweet! He will lead me daily!
"In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct the paths. Proverbs 3:6

He leadeth me. Oh, blessed thought!
Oh, words with heavenly comfort fraught.
What e'er I do, where e'er I be,
Still tis God's hand that leadeth me!

He leadeth me, He leadeth me.
By His own hand He leadeth me.
His faithful follower I would be,
For by His hand He leadeth me.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Farther Along We'll Understand Why

It still doesn't seem real that you are not here.  That thought is always with me, whether I am out and about or whether I am here or at church.  Our lives were so entwined together, especially this year when you were really beginning to get sick.  We hardly left one another's side as you became more dependent on me to help you.  My motherly instincts kicked in again!  And, at times, I know you were aggravated with me always prodding you to drink more or eat something.....anything!

Up until this year there were few times you were sick enough that you had to miss church.  What a blessing that was!  Not only for you, but for the church family and especially for me!  The Lord knew I could not handle you being sick, yet.  But, I still wasn't ready for it when it finally happened.  I didn't understand why you seemed to be getting better after your brain surgery.  You lost the double vision!  Your strength was returning!  You were walking without the aid of a walker or me.  You were studying and preaching again.

And then our world collapsed around us.  Why?  I didn't understand why it happened and happened so quickly!  But, I think I do now.  It was a blessing for everyone that you didn't suffer for long!  Our prayer was for you to be healed, we just didn't know that it was not going to be here.  And it was going to happen in heaven a LOT sooner than we wanted or expected.  Yes, it was a blessing that the Lord took you quickly, even though it was hard on our flesh!  We were not ready to lose you!  Actually, we would never be ready to lose you!

It is always best to "trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding."  Proverbs 3:5  He will help us to understand it all by and by!  Thank You, Father, for healing Tim of the menacing melanoma.  Now I ask that you heal our hearts as only You can!  We will never get over the missing our Tim, but will You please get us over the hurt!  My heart hurts.  It aches for loving and missing my life's partner.  Thank You for Your grace and mercy and compassion and faithfulness You show to me every day!

Lamentations 3:22, 23
22 It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Farther Along

Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long;
While there are others living about us,
Never molested, though in the wrong.

Farther along we’ll know more about it,
Farther along we’ll understand why;
Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine,
We’ll understand it all by and by.

Sometimes I wonder why I must suffer,
Go in the rain, the cold, and the snow,
When there are many living in comfort,
Giving no heed to all I can do.

Tempted and tried, how often we question
Why we must suffer year after year,
Being accused by those of our loved ones,
E’en though we’ve walked in God’s holy fear.

Often when death has taken our loved ones,
Leaving our home so lone and so drear,
Then do we wonder why others prosper,
Living so wicked year after year.

“Faithful till death,” saith our loving Master;
Short is our time to labor and wait;
Then will our toiling seem to be nothing,
When we shall pass the heavenly gate.

Soon we will see our dear, loving Savior,
Hear the last trumpet sound through the sky;
Then we will meet those gone on before us,
Then we shall know and understand why.

(There are contradictory claims for the authorship of this song. The words and music are frequently attributed to W. B. Stevens, although others have attributed the words to W. A. Fletcher.  I do not recall most of the verses shown here, either.)

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Gone Too Soon

Oh, to be able to tap into your brain, my Sweet!  You left too quickly!  So many things we should have discussed a long time ago!  Things like your library at church...and your office...and your creation fossils...and your Bible programs and databases of information.  I don't know what to do with it all!  But I don't want to give it away, either.  I've been told I shouldn't do anything with anything for at least 6 months.  So I guess I will wait before I start making decisions about what to do with your office, except for maybe boxing it all up so it is not in the way when we get a new pastor.  Lord, reveal the right path for me to take!

I would love to be able to share the databases with Bobby and Calvin, but I have no idea how to.  Calvin and I discussed whether or not to keep the church website and he thinks we should.  I need to figure out how to do some editing and posting there.  Something else we needed to discuss!

Well, one day at a time!  One day at a time!

One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you.
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way
One day at a time.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Ever the Student, Ever the Teacher

My Love,
It is at the end of the day that I miss you the most.  Especially those times we would sit together in the man room or out under the carport and I would read the devotions from Spurgeon's book, "Morning and Evening" and we would comment on them.  You would say, "I like that!" after I would read one.  You even had me type one up and email it to you so you could add it to your database for future use.  I don't think you ever got that far with it because your brain became too cancer-ridden and you couldn't think straight.  Oh, how I miss your wonderful mind!  You were ever the student so you could be the excellent teacher that you were!  You had an excellent knowledge of God and His Word!  But, more importantly, you knew God!
July 31st.  Tim's last time to sit under the carport and enjoy a little bit of lunch and the birds.

"Be still and know that I am God."  Psalm 46:10

You knew how to be still and soak in the knowledge of God into your heart and mind!  What a gift you were to me!  You kept me straight and on track!  I don't think it is possible to love anyone more than I love you!

I think I've decided I need to live with one or the other of the girls for awhile.  I need to be around people!  I will start looking for a storage unit this week to move things into until later on when I can decide if I actually do want to live on my own or remain with someone else.  No matter what happens, I will be buried here in Winston at the head of Tim in Park Lawn Cemetery over on Peter's Creek.

I dearly love my church, but it might not be feasible for me to always be able to attend the services.  So, I will probably resign teaching my Sunday School class once I finally move in with Elisabeth (probably first) or Jessica.  Terry is ready to make the move happen now and I think that is so sweet that my son-in-law loves me enough to give up his man room for his mother-in-law!  They have more room to accommodate me than Elisabeth does.  I hate running Ryan out of his bedroom.  I'm hoping he will agree to share it with me!  But, if I snore much, that might be the breaking point for him!

Please be in prayer about my future decisions I will need to make sooner than later.  I am not being asked to leave the parsonage, but at the same time, I can't stay here forever!  But, what a generous and loving church to allow me to stay "as long as needed" until it comes time for a new pastor to move in!

Thank You, Lord, for your blessings on me!
There's a roof up above me, I've a good place to sleep.
There's food on my table and shoes on my feet.
You gave me your love, Lord, and a fine family!
Thank You, Lord, for your blessings on me!

Friday, August 25, 2017

Abby Misses You!

Hi Sweetie,
I spent most of the day with Ilene.  (I should have taken a picture!)  We went shopping, she took me out to lunch at K&W, stopped at Walmart for a prescription and then we headed home.  She couldn't stay because she was spending the night with her grandkids.

After she left, I went back out to cancel your phone number and change my phone number to your phone.  Then I took your other hearing aid back to the audiologist and donated it.  They gave me a tax form.

When I got home Joy was waiting on me with more boxes.  She wanted to see my journaling Bible.  Liz, Brad and kids (and Sally) came while she was there and brought pizza for dinner.

Liz went to Mega Thrift and the kids stayed here with me.  They wanted to go over and spend time in your office looking around.  They sure do miss you!  Abby most of all.  She keeps talking about you.  She said you  didn't get to tell her goodbye one last time.  She was at the hospital, but you were pretty much out of it at that time.  They all want something of yours from your office.  It will be hard to split all of your things up.  It will be hard to let go of them.  It is just plain hard to let go!

Another busy day.  Busy is good, I am finding out!  God is merciful.  I'm so thankful to have Him on my side!  He is taking good care of me!  Thank You, Lord!

Here's a song that someone sent to me in a sympathy card:

1    Day by day, and with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He, whose heart is kind beyond all measure,
Gives unto each day what He deems best,
Lovingly its part of pain and pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace and rest.

2    Every day the Lord Himself is near me,
With a special mercy for each hour;
All my cares He fain would bear and cheer me,
He whose name is Counsellor and Pow’r.
The protection of His child and treasure
Is a charge that on Himself He laid;
“As thy days, thy strength shall be in measure,”
This the pledge to me He made.

3    Help me then, in every tribulation,
So to trust Thy promises, O Lord,
That I lose not faith’s sweet consolation,
Offered me within Thy holy Word.
Help me, Lord, when toil and trouble meeting,
E’er to take, as from a father’s hand,
One by one, the days, the moments fleeting,
Till with Christ the Lord I stand.

Thank You, my heavenly Father, for being a faithful God!

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Sorrowful, Yet Rejoicing!

People wonder how in the world you can sorrow and rejoice at the same time!  It is only possible with the help of the Lord!  Without His help, you can't do it!  It doesn't even make sense!  Pastor Tim Sigman, current pastor of the Buffalo Baptist Church where Tim and I were for going on 12 years before we came to North Carolina, honored Tim in a message he preached.  Yes, we had sorrow in the trial of Tim's cancer, however, we could rejoice because we knew that no matter what happened, whether God chose to heal Tim on earth or take him to heaven where he was healed, he WOULD be healed!  Selfishly, we wanted him to be healed here.  But, God knows best!  Click on the following link to listen to the message:  Sorrowful Yet Rejoicing. 

Missing you, my thrifting partner!
I started to do some thrifting today, but I just wasn't in the mood!

I had 1 1/2 hours meeting with the IRA guy at BB&T to get the ball rolling on some changes for the future when I run out of insurance money and become of full retirement age.

Other than that, I packed a few boxes and swept out and washed the inside of the blue car.  I will probably spray it off on the outside tomorrow.  Brad will drive it back to his house to try and sell.

I took your on-loan hearing aid to be mailed back and saw a Jade Gardens restaurant on the way.  What fond memories came flooding back of our favorite date night dining place in Cincinnati!

Still getting sympathy cards and some money.  Hard to believe you have been gone 2 weeks 1 day and 12 hours!  Will it ever seem real that you are no longer here?

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

He Restores My Soul

My Love,
Oh, to have just a glimpse into your "day" in heaven!  To know how you are praising the Lord, who you have met, your trip down those streets of gold, what your dwelling place looks like.......What a day that will be.......

My day was full!  I took some mail to the post office.  I cleaned out all of the clothes in my closet that no longer fit me because they are too big, which meant almost everything!  So, I went to Mega Thrift and bought only 50% off clothing!  Went to Walmart and thanked the girls at the bank for the sympathy card they all signed and sent and then picked up a few items while there.

Came home and did some laundry, took a shower for church, met up with Calvin, Sharon, Joy, Philip, Leland, Ashley and Greg Fleshman and their new baby.  We ate at the Mexican place at Oliver's Crossing.  Had a wonderful time!  My soul was restored with the fellowship!  I picked Lois up for church on the way back.

Thank You, Lord, for seeing to it that my soul was refreshed today!  "He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake."   Psalm 23:3

Thank You, Lord, for Your Blessings on Me!

While the world looks upon me
As I struggle along
They say I have nothing
But they are so wrong
In my heart I'm rejoicing
How I wish they could see
Thank you Lord
For your blessing on me!

There's a roof up above me
I have a good place to sleep
There's food on my table
And shoes on my feet
You gave me your love Lord
And a fine family
Thank you Lord
For your blessings on me!

I know I'm not wealthy
These clothes, they're not new
I don't have much money
But Lord I have you
And to me, that's all that matters
Though the world may not see
Thank you Lord
For your blessings on me!

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Joy Came

Dearest Tim,
Joy came in the morning and in the afternoon!  Praise the Lord for friends!

Lois and I went to Mega Thrift and then she took me to K&W for lunch.  Afterwards, we went to Aldi before I took her home.  She invited me in but I had more phone calls and appointments to make and more paperwork to do.

Juanita called in the afternoon and we talked for quite awhile.  I always feel better after talking to her as she is so encouraging!  What a gift she has and is!  Love her more and more every day as a true friend and sister in Christ!  Thank You, Lord, for the gift of friends!  And I am most glad about our "friend that sticks closer than a brother," my friend the Lord Jesus Christ!  I don't know how people "do life" without Him!

Then Joy brought some boxes from work and I invited her to stay.  We talked and we cried together.  Everyone misses you so much!  But, the Lord will continue to strengthen us in the days to come!

I am so thankful today that, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want..... for friendship!"  Psalm 23:1

After Joy left I started cleaning out the clothes from my closet that are too big now.  WOW!  My closet is almost bare!  I found several things at Mega Thrift today.  A skirt, a Sag Harbor blazer, a couple of sweater jackets and some tops and spent less than $15!  Thank You, Lord!

Here's a great quote for today:
Abandon yourself to His care and guidance, as a sheep in the care of a shepherd, and trust Him utterly.  ~ Hannah Whitall Smith

Monday, August 21, 2017

Joy Will Come Some Morning

Missing you, Babe!
I took a piece of mail to the church and as I walked through the auditorium, the thought of you never preaching behind that pulpit again started the tears.  I walked out of the auditorium and opened the door of your closed office and sat down in your chair and wept as I looked around the room at you.....your books, your fossils, your barometers, your family photos, your empty plant shelves, your certificates of accomplishment, your weather station, your label maker, your framed art.....then I opened your desk drawers and wept for the order that is you.....a place for everything and everything in it's place.....except you.  You have a new place now, an eternal place.  I'm thankful for the healing you have received in that new Place!  Joy will come to me some glad morning.  But for now, I weep.

".....weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."  Psalm 30:5

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Just Like Papaw

Dearest Tim,
Jessica told me that Chance is taking a harmonica to school for show and tell because "my papaw liked to play harmonica and I like it and want to be just like him!"  What a wonderful compliment!  What an influence you made in everyone's life.

My Lord's day was no comparison to yours, I'm sure!  Being face to face with our Savior is hard to beat and something I can hardly wait for!  But, I had a good day!

Ilene and I joined Calvin, Sharon, Bobby and Joy for lunch at Vinnie's after church this morning.  What great fellowship!

We sang your favorite song today, "Living by Faith."  You lived your faith well!

I got a wonderful note from Doug Stewart letting me know he was praying for the family during our grieving time and told me he believed your life touched many other lives, especially in the way you handled your illness!  What a testimony of trusting God you lived!  Thank you for loving me!

I will always love you!
The Little Woman

Tim used to refer to me as "the little woman" sometimes.  What a special memory!

Today I sent some more thank you cards out, did some checkbook work, other computer work and after church tonight I changed the church sign saying and began packing the boxes I got from Food Lion last night with my books.  WHEW!  I have packed up 6 1/2 boxes and I'm still not done!

I'm going to need a TON more boxes!  I am going to need the Lord to help me weed out A LOT of stuff!

Jesus, Savior, pilot me
Over life’s tempestuous sea;
Unknown waves before me roll,
Hiding rock and treach’rous shoal;
Chart and compass come from Thee;
  Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

As a mother stills her child,
Thou canst hush the ocean wild;
Boist’rous waves obey Thy will
When Thou say’st to them, “Be still.”
Wondrous Sov’reign of the sea,
  Jesus, Savior, pilot me.

Though death’s valley I may pass,
Still Thy grace will fear surpass;
In Thy presence I will rest,
And, while leaning on Thy breast,
I will hear Thee say to me,
  “Fear not, I will pilot thee.”

Saturday, August 19, 2017

The Sweetness of Friendship

My sweet Tim,
Today I am thanking God for the gift of friendship. It has been a balm for my loneliness. Oh, what blessings I have received today!
First, Juanita called to invite me to meet her for lunch. We talked and shared many things for close to 2 hours. It was such a delightful time which I needed so desperately and one we both declared we needed to repeat sooner than later!

After returning home I worked on the bulletin and printed it out. At 4:30 I took the folded bulletins to the church just as Sharon and Calvin were pulling in to take me to Ruby Tuesday to eat with them. More delightful conversation around a good meal. Thank You, Lord!

As they dropped me off Ilene called to see how I was doing. She was having a rough day, so I packed my suitcase and came to her aid. I'm spending the night and we eased one another's loneliness. God has been near and dear to me all day. He is a good and gracious God!

"He fills my life with good things, so that I stay young and strong like an eagle." Psalm 103:5

Thank You, Lord, for every good and perfect gift from above!

Friday, August 18, 2017

An Empty Chair

My Dearest Tim,
Today you have been gone 10 days, 1 hour, 12 minutes and 45 seconds.  It still seems so unreal.  I keep expecting to hear your voice, to see your smile.  Today I got your death certificate and the copies of your obituary, but it still doesn't seem real.

I filled the bird feeders and sat down to enjoy them.  No birds came.  It's just as well because your seat was empty.  I cried.  I needed to talk to someone, so I called Lori.  She diverted my thoughts.  It was a temporary fix.

Now it is time for bed, but you are not here.  The bed we shared for 41+ years is missing someone...you.  So, I will take two tylenol pm's and an anxiety pill and I will hopefully sleep through the night and through the sorrow of missing you.

I love and miss you, Babe!
The gray clouds are a reflection of the gray I felt in my heart this evening.

An empty chair.

No birds came.

Even though I was extremely sad tonight, there is hope in the Lord!  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Remembering Tim

Tim has been in heaven a week already, as of 9:48 EST this evening!

I Can Only Imagine what he is seeing and experiencing!  Click on the link to listen to Amy Grant and be prepared for chills and tears!

Heaven will be worth it all!

Heaven Will Surely Be Worth It All
Lyrics: W. Oliver Cooper
Music: Minzo C. Jones

Often I'm hindered on my way,
Burdened so heavy I almost fall;
Then I hear Jesus sweetly say;
"Heaven will surely be worth it all."

Many the trials, toils and tears,
Many a heartache may here appall;
But the dear Lord so truly says:
"Heaven will surely be worth it all."

Toiling and pain I will endure,
Till I shall hear the death angel call;
Jesus has promised and I'm sure
Heaven will surely be worth it all.

Heaven will surely be worth it all.
Worth all the sorrows that here befall;
After this life with all its strife,
Heaven will surely be worth it all.

The pastor who conducted Tim's funeral is a good friend of Tim's.  He wrote this poem for Tim:

Timothy Day, 1954 – 2017
A quiet man of kindness known,
By words confirmed in actions shown.
A man respected, without deception
Above reproach with no exception.

A scholar’s mind, a servant’s heart.
A student’s friend, the seeker’s art.
In language skilled, in words well-said.
Ever learning, in books well read.

Friend, father, faithful man
Of God, always trusting Heaven’s plan.
A life too short but yet well-spent
A soul not here, but just absent.

Loved more than our words can say,
By those who mourn with us today.
Loved even more by his Savior
Who received him into Heaven’s favor

Safe in the arms of Jesus!  I miss and love you, Babe!

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Update on Tim

Tim's decline in health has been very evident over the last couple of weeks. But this week it took a nose dive.  Friday, there were several times I checked on him in the spare bedroom to find him flat on his back with a comatose stare at the ceiling. When I asked him if he was ok, he could barely answer. He also had been feeling the need to urinate without being able to.  So I sent a note to his 3 main doctors: the oncologist, the radiation oncologist, and the neurologist. I basically begged them to consider admitted Tim to the hospital because of his weakening condition. The neurologist (neurosurgeon) answered that he was concerned about Tim's overall condition deteriorating. He said, "After reviewing his most recent brain imaging, I recommend no neurosurgical intervention. However, he needs a medical evaluation. I recommend that you bring him to the ED here for an evaluation and possible admission to the hematology/oncology or medicine service."  Knowing how Tim HATES waiting in the ER, especially when you don't feel well to begin with, I asked him if he wanted to go. He said yes, so we went.

While we were waiting to be seen, the oncologist called me to see what was going on. I told him he was even worse than he was 2 days ago when he had the brain MRI. He told me someone explained to him that the cancer has spread to the lining of the brain. He said once the cancer has done that chemo usually doesn't have much effect. He said he would work on getting Tim admitted with the idea of transitioning to hospice care at home.

In a few minutes time, the doctor's nurse called me and said they were waiting on a bed. Within an hour one of the ER nurses was taking us to his room. Thank You, Lord!

The nursing staff set about to make him comfortable. They first did an ultrasound on his abdomen to see how much fluid was in his bladder. They found it to be holding about a liter, so they inserted a Foley catheter. First problem solved.

Next, fluids were administered after his portacath was accessed. And then they began to work on his constipation by giving him a laxative.

The plan for getting him to sleep for the night was Xanax and Ambien. I asked him if he was ok with me going home to get some sleep and print out the bulletin. He said yes. I stayed until I knew he was asleep.

On the way home, I realized that I needed a hug. So I called Sharon and asked her if she was busy and told her I needed a hug. She said to come! Thank you, Sharon and Calvin for the hugs, the food and the encouragement and love.

After I got home, I started calling Tim's family to let them know about his condition. I sent texts to others and an email to a pastor friend and his wife. I printed out the bulletin and did a little bit of laundry.  I was in bed around 12:15 and didn't wake up until 5:50! I haven't slept that well in a month of Sundays! Thank You Lord!

Took my shower, packed my bedding and clothes in the suitcase, washed our sheets for the girls and threw them in the dryer, fixed up my purse and a tote with my meds, camera, books, etc., took the bulletins to the church and our tithe. Loaded up the car and headed back to the hospital.

Nothing has relieved Tim's constipation. Not the laxative or the suppository or the enema.  Not sure what they will do about that. He has been throwing up bile today.

Well, here's to another night of rest (hopefully, if Tim ever settles down and quits fidgeting). Of course, when Tim finally settled down, the nurse needed vitals! GRRR!

Thursday, August 3, 2017


I had to call 911 around 3:30 a.m.  I was helping Tim move from the recliner to the bed in the guest room.  He tried to get there too quickly and his legs buckled under him and he went down while I was holding him.  We worked for 15 minutes trying to get him up, but without strength, he could not help me and I just could not lift him.

911 dispatch transferred my call to the EMTs.  I put a pillow behind Tim's head, threw a blanket over him and he went to sleep while waiting on them to arrive.  It took longer for the paperwork than for them to get him up.  Fortunately it didn't cost anything since we didn't need ambulance transport to the hospital.  Thank You, LORD!

He slept pretty well until 1:00.  After that it was a game of transfers.....from the bed to the recliner to the bed and back again.  And add to that the many times he had to pee.  BUT, I'm glad he is drinking more!  Thank You, LORD!

He said several times today that he wished he could go to the ER and that they would do something to make him feel better.  Breaks my heart!  Liz is going to come tomorrow and bring me some milk and give me her opinion on her dad's condition.  He is definitely worse, but I don't know how much more to endure before I insist he be admitted to the hospital for some help.

I'm tired, so I am just going to close so I can get some sleep while he is sleeping.  Thank you all for your prayers!

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Update on Tim

Today’s doctor and MRI visits:

We left the house around 9:40 and finally got back home around 5:30.
The first item on the agenda was porta cath care and blood work at 10:30.
Then the follow up with the oncologist at 11:30 so he could talk about the results of the blood work and examine Tim.  However, today he did not examine Tim since Tim was in the wheelchair and kind of out of it since he did not get much, if any, sleep last night.  He fretted all night about the MRI. 

He is becoming more and more anxious.  He was getting his feet tangled in the covers the other night, so last night he decided he needed to sleep on top of the covers.  So, I put a sweatshirt on him for the replacement of a blanket.  Before I could get it over his head, he was panicking.  The bathroom light across from the bedroom has to be left on at night and our bedroom door remains open.

Anyway, the oncologist said that this should be the low point of the chemo treatment and he should start to rebound now…….just in time to begin the process all over again.  The good news is that we have been able to tell that a few of the melanoma tumors have shrunk.  Let’s just pray the ones in the brain do, too!  I asked the doctor if there was a limit to the number of treatments Tim would be taking.  He said it all depended on the white blood cell count.  So blood work will be done at least once a month before he determines whether Tim is good to go for another 28 day cycle of 5 days taking the chemo pill followed by 23 days off.

The doctor wanted us to come back to see him after the MRI was done.

We had about an hour and a half to kill before the MRI, so I grabbed a chicken sandwich from Hardees, took it to the MRI Center and ate it in the parking lot while Tim took a nap.  He had to be at his appointment at 1:30 check-in time and 2:00 for the MRI.  We went in at 1:00, hoping to be slipped in early.  Not so much.  They were running behind and it was 2:45 before he even went back and by the time they gave him the sedative it was later than that when the MRI started.

The nurse said the sedative was a fail, but they were able to complete the study.  Tim was just really fidgety even with the sedative.  He remembers them telling him to be a good boy and hold his head still (this after she told me he wouldn’t remember anything about it!)  HA!

We got back over to the main campus of the hospital around 4:00.  The nurses de-accessed his port and we waited for the doctor to come see us about the MRI results.  When he got there around 4:45, he had to admit he didn’t really know what he was looking at.  He is not the brain MRI specialists.  He said he saw the melanoma, but he doesn’t know what the other doctor has in mind for any further radiation treatment, if any.  So, he said he would have to wait and talk with him.

In the meantime, the doctor is very concerned about Tim’s weakness and trying to walk around the house up and down the steps between the “man cave” and the kitchen.  I told him we could take care of that since there is a bathroom and a bedroom in that end of the house and there is really no need for him to go up and down the stairs.

On the 11th we meet with the eye doctor about the double vision returning.  Tim is really suffering with motion sickness, I think, due to the double vision!  I think that is why he keeps getting nauseous while we are out, especially!

All it took was for me to wheel him into the MRI center for him to become nauseous.  He saw the trash can and said, "Stay close to that trash can."  So, I asked the check-in desk if he could use it to throw up in.  Fortunately, he sat still long enough that he never did throw up.  I hate it for him, though.  Hopefully the eye doctor will be able to do something to help him.

I’m discouraged because Tim was doing so well before he started this chemo treatment.  He was getting back into preaching again and feeling pretty good!  Now, it is as though all of the progress has been ripped away from him again!  I think he is doing worse now than when he had the brain surgery!  I think I need an attitude adjustment!  Thy will be done, LORD!  Thank You for the good years Tim has had during the treatment of the metastatic melanoma!

I did learn today that probably giving him one of the doses of the steroid with his night time meds is contributing to him not being able to sleep at night.  The doctor said that 5:00 should probably be the latest he takes the last dose.  Well, by the time we got home tonight, we were already past that time, so I decided not to give him the dose at all tonight.  I started the Xanax tonight.  Pray that he sleeps through the night!  Pour guy needs it after the night he had last night!

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Urgent Care Visit

Well, it's been another one of those days!  Tim had the dry heaves this morning and had a slight headache.  I sent a note to his oncologist about the fall yesterday, the throwing up in Walmart, the throwing up today and the headache and asked his opinion.  I got a note back from a triage nurse that said, due to the symptoms we should go to the ER or urgent care so trauma could be ruled out.  Tim did NOT want to sit in the ER all day, so we found the nearest Wake Forest Urgent Care facility in Clemmons (about 15 minutes away) and went there.

YUP!  There will be no more ER visits unless it is by ambulance!  We were in a room within 15 minutes!  The doctor gave Tim a good examination.  He ruled out a spinal bleed (I think) and determined that there was no trauma from the fall.  When he listened to Tim's abdomen, he said Tim had lots of acid.  He prescribed a stronger antacid medicine than what he is currently taking.  I told him Tim was not sleeping very well.  He said it is normal with the obvious stress his body is under from the cancer.  He also prescribed Xanax for him to take at night to help sleep.  But he also said Tim needs to refrain from all the napping during the day!  That will be a tough one, considering how weak Tim is!

Since Tim will be getting sedation tomorrow for the MRI, we opted not to give him the Xanax tonight because Xanax and Versed react to one another in a bad way, causing terrible side effects!

I don't know how the subject came about, but the doctor also wanted Tim to start eating chicken noodle soup 4 times a day.  I think for strength and fluids, maybe!  I'm not sure where that all fits in to our visit today!  I would love it if Tim ate half that much!  Today, he didn't eat breakfast due to the nausea.  After we got back home, he did eat 1 small ladle of chicken noodle soup.  And, he was not about to eat that for supper, too!  He had about half an ear of corn.  He's just about as weak now as he was when I had to take him for fluids last Friday.  I'm at my wits end of knowing what to do to make him drink and eat!

Since we were at the urgent care for awhile and then went to the store to fill the new prescriptions afterwards, he still took a nap after he ate the soup.  He did snooze a little bit throughout the afternoon, but not as much as usual, I don't think.  Pray he sleeps well tonight!

We also went outside for a bit tonight.  Here's a few pictures and some movies of the birds.

Please pray for Tim.  He is so anxious about tomorrow's MRI that he cannot sleep tonight.  I can't give him the Xanax because it interacts in a harmful way with the Versed he will receive tomorrow for the MRI.
It turned cloudy late this afternoon.  Made the temp comfortable for sitting outside.

The flowers got chopped off the tobacco today.

GOOGLE COOKIES: Read more about how Google uses cookies on this blog that I have no control of: Google Policies and Privacy

WARNING: This site contains religious content. If you are easily offended by religion, you had better not read any further!

Visit my Today's Scrap blog

Visit my she was unwilling, but God..... blog